(Researchers tell us that grief has six different stages -- shock, denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance-that occur in sequence. Grieving brain injury in the family often means that you are dealing with several stages with no clear sequence.)

Have you noticed that you're annoyed with medical professionals being so negative? Do you feel like people don't understand your situation?  Do you feel like they are overestimating the severity of your family member's brain injury or simply don't understand that your loved one is going to recover well? If so, it's possible that denial has become part of your life and you are clinging to hope by denying reality.

Hope is born in denial. I believe the denial you're experiencing is actually a coping measure—that your mind is making an effort to make sense of what has happened to your brain-injured loved one. But, it may be more than you can deal with right now if you accept that your child will be disabled for life. It may be too terrible to know that your wife won't be capable of raising your children anymore. How can you hope if you believe all the reality that is rushing at you like a freight train? Letting yourself believe that everyone else is wrong keeps you sane—but it can't last forever. Slowly you will have to deal with whatever is out there. Here are five steps you'll need to take from denial to hope.

Five steps from denial to hope

1. Let denial help you for a little while. Denial is simply hope on steroids and it is useful. Others cannot judge your level of pain and what's the proper defense for you. They can't judge the level of hope or denial you need to cope or understand where you are in that process.
2. Do away with "knee-jerk" reactions. Learn not to push back when medical professionals give you uncomfortable news or assessments. You need to know the information they are giving you. If you do not listen, you are protecting yourself, but perhaps damaging their ability to care for your family member.
3. Carefully analyze your own emotions. Are you reacting to something you don't want to hear, or are you acting out of a well-thought-out understanding of the facts? Have you discussed new information with someone you trust? Is your stubbornness putting your loved one at risk? Think before you react.
4. Balance denial and reality.  Try stepping back and forth between "reality" and "denial." Balance your denial and others' opinions of reality. Open your mind to possibilities that are uncomfortable and weigh them carefully.
5. Keep a well of hope in your heart. Do not let anyone take your hope away. Stubborn hope often brings recoveries that seemed impossible in the beginning. But do not let your denial create problems for your loved one or let your denial limit their options.

Over time, you'll accept what must be accepted and keep your hope alive for a new, different and better life for your brain injured family member. 

© 2009 Marilyn Colter
Sure, copy and share this tip sheet with others, but please cite Marilyn Colter as the author and include this sentence: 'Marilyn Colter is the author of "Missing Pieces: Mending the Head Injury Family." She and her family founded the Brain Injury Family Resources web site at www.braininjuryfamily.net.'

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