Q: I'm worried about my kids. You'd think it would be about my oldest son who was brain injured in a bike accident last year but I'm more worried about the other two boys who are grounded practically for life right now because they broke a neighbor's window.  They're just getting out of hand and it's not like them to be like this.

They're mean to Brent, the oldest, when they're home. They either ignore him or won't let him be in their rooms with them. But if someone else says something mean about Brent, they're liable to get in a fight over it. They've started hanging out with a kid down the street that I think is just a terrible influence and whose parents are pretty strange. I don't want them over there, but they somehow end up "stopping by" there on the way home every afternoon from school and stay for hours. It's driving me crazy.

My husband and I spend a lot time with Brent, caring for his needs and doing his therapy and getting him to and from his school. Our other boys complain about all that. We've tried to explain to them that Brent needs us right now, but I think they resent him. They even get mad at us if we can't go to their soccer games or make it to some of their school events. They used to be really good and help Brent sometimes, but not now. Jeremy told me the other day that he's going to run away and live with his grandparents. It hurts. We are trying our best to be good parents to all the boys, but they can't see that.
-Emily Z.

A: I empathize, Emily, as I'm sure other parents in brain injury families do too. More than likely your younger boys thought that by now Brent would be cured and everything would be back to normal. They couldn't possibly understand that they would lose your attention for so long. Now they're getting your attention by acting out, and I doubt they realize what they're doing. They're just trying to deal with their own loneliness and frustrations.

Often children feel abandoned when the brain injured member of the family becomes the focal point of their parents' lives. Even though parents try to explain why they are focused on the brain injured child or spouse, it doesn't help kids feel any less abandoned. I hate to add to your already considerable load, Emily, but you and your husband need to spend time with the boys doing something fun. Set up some special times-an hour, a half day, a weekend, or whatever you can-to make each of the boys feel that you still think he is wonderful.

During that one-on-one time, let them tell you how they're feeling without judging what they say. They might share some pretty angry or seemingly mean thoughts about Brent or the family situation. Let them vent and then show them you still love them. Sometimes kids just want to be able to talk to their parents and have their undivided attention. I bet you and your husband will enjoy this special time too, and eventually your sons' acting out behavior will probably moderate.

Counseling might help as well. Sometimes kids don't want their parents to be burdened by what they are feeling. They can see how busy and tired you are. Being able to tell someone else how bad they feel for their brain injured brother and to explore their own sense of abandonment can help them get back on track. Kids adapt pretty well if they feel that they are loved and that they matter to the family. It's really important to work this into your schedule, Emily, and make it an ongoing effort. 
-Marilyn Colter

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