Does being angry at my brain-injured dad make me a rotten person?

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Does being angry at my brain-injured dad make me a rotten person?

Q: My dad was brain damaged when he crashed into a tree while he was skiing a year ago and he's not like the same person anymore. He said he was going to take me and my brother to California and teach us to surf this year when I turned 14. Now we can't go because he can't do things like that anymore. He's mean sometimes and I'm embarrassed when he says something stupid in front of my friends.

I know he can't help being brain damaged but sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I even wish he was dead. I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, but I do! I can't tell my mom because she'll be mad at me. How can I make myself stop feeling that way? I feel like I'm a rotten person!
-Stephanie P.

A: You're not a rotten person Stephanie, and you're certainly not alone. A lot of people feel that way about the brain-injured person in their family for a while-even though they don't say it. Brain damage sometimes makes people very different from the way they used to be and it's hard to deal with that. They can't control their tempers very well, or walk or talk the way they used to and they do things sometimes that ARE embarrassing. I know my kids felt that way about their brain-injured dad sometimes too, and they're great people!

You're probably feeling angry and sad and miss your dad (the way he used to be). Almost everybody thinks bad thoughts when they're feeling that way, especially when it seems like their whole life has gone crazy. I think your mom might understand how you're feeling, and talking with her might help her understand how hard it is for you right now. Sometimes talking to a friend or teacher will help, too. Just being able to say how mad and sad you are will sometimes make you feel better. Hold on-things are pretty tough right now, but they'll get better.
-Marilyn Colter

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written by Janna , November 08, 2011

Hi Stephanie,

I'm not sure where you are or where you live, but a few weeks after I turned 14 my dad had a traumatic brain injury. All that you are going through is perfectly normal, super difficult, but normal for you. Let me know if you want to talk more about this. I promise you that I have been exactly where you are.

-Janna

Me too
written by Alex , December 23, 2011

I'm 13 and my dad has a brain injury aswell. It's so hard, I feel the same way as you Stephanie. I'm waiting for things to get easier, but there not. There getting harder. i don't know what to do, I love my dad, but it's so hard on everyone. I feel like a rotten person as well because I know it must be so hard on him, but it is on me too, and i dont think my family understands that. i have no one to talk to about it because no one understands. i feel like my dad doesn't care much for me anymore. I tried talking to my mom, but it doesn't help. i'm so lost.

I hear you
written by Mike M , December 24, 2011

Alex -

My name is Mike. Marilyn Colter (the person giving advice to Stephanie above) is my mom. Just wanted you to know that right off the bat.

I was your age when my dad had a brain injury (I'm 43 now). Our whole family turned upside down. My dad looked like the same person, but wasn't. He actually acted like a spoiled kid most of the time, and all of a sudden my sister and I found ourselves being more mature than our father yet somehow supposed to still see him as our dad. It sucked. My mom, of course, was suddenly responsible for everything - working her job plus all the new stuff like insurance, driving dad to therapy and all that. She was totally overwhelmed and I felt like it would only add to her burdens to try and talk to her, even if she could find the time and energy to really focus on what I had to say. My sister and I had to take a back seat to all the craziness and we started hiding out in our rooms a lot.

You're right - it's hard on everyone. You're all trying to deal with the new situation and everyone is coping as best they can. All of the familiar family stuff you knew before is gone now. And you're also right that hardly anyone around you understands. Your friends from school don't see what you see (not all of it anyway), and your teachers don't really understand what's going on at home. It feels really alone.

All I can say is that it really DOES get better. It might take a long time, and it doesn't feel like it will ever be OK again, but you and your family will figure things out. It won't ever be just like it was, but it will be easier to get through the day and eventually you won't think about it as being a problem as much as you think of it as just how it is.

If you have a favorite teacher or if there's a counselor at school I really do recommend you try explaining to them what's happening. Make sure to let them know you're struggling with it. They won't necessarily be able to help or understand right away, but if you explain that you need someone to talk to about it, I'm sure one or more of them will work hard to try to understand and at least be there to listen. That's what I wish I'd done.

It's tough to admit you need help when you're looking someone in the eye. A lot of us have been taught to think it's weakness to admit to being in pain. But if it's any help at all, my 30 years of experience with this tells me that understanding your weaknesses, being open about them, and then owning them, is one of the strongest things you can do.

My heart goes out to you, Alex. I truly wish you the best. If you want to reach me directly, you can: mike [at] braininjuryfamily [dot] net.

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