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Q: My wife has been home from rehab for two months now and our life has become total chaos. She has a brain injury from a car accident last year and she's made good progress physically but mentally she's really not anywhere close. The biggest problem is her tantrums. When things aren't to her liking or she's frustrated, she just loses it. We have two kids - 8 and 5. They're even more confused about all of this than I am. I don't know how to help them understand why their mom yells at them so much more than she used to. She's even slapped them a couple times. The kids are afraid to come home—staying after school as long as they can. They don't smile or play like they used to. It's breaking my heart.
And I'm finding that I don't even LIKE my wife any more. Her tantrums, screaming, and throwing things at me have ruined our relationship. I used to be able to keep better perspective and be more understanding. Now I'm just the referee, always stepping in to calm her down. I've talked to her again and again, but her horrible behavior just continues. I resent her so much I don't even want to touch her anymore. I know I sound like a terrible husband, but I'm seriously thinking of taking the kids and leaving.
Our friends only see the physical improvements my wife has made, and look at me like I'm making things up when I try to describe what our home life is like now. They never see it, so they don't get it. I feel like I have nowhere to turn for help. Is there any way out of this craziness?
—Don G., Indiana
A: Don, I empathize completely. Temper tantrums and wildly fluctuating moods are often part of home life after brain injury. Yes, there are ways out of the craziness you're experiencing but there is probably not one simple, or quick fix. Right now, run, don't walk, to the phone and get in touch with a counselor who understands brain injury. (If your wife is still in outpatient care, talk to the rehab counselor and get suggestions about your next step) I'm not a trained therapist, but here are my suggestions while you seek out a counselor.
- Therapy or counseling. You didn't mention whether your wife is still getting therapy of any kind. If she isn't, see if you can get her into a program that will focus on behavior modification and see if you can get some counseling about how to handle the chaos. If she is still an outpatient, talk to her therapists and tell them what you're experiencing. They have dealt with patients' anger and may have some good suggestions or therapies to modify your wife's behavior.
- Avoid confrontation. If your kids are in danger or if violence is getting worse, you can't leave them alone with your wife. Perhaps there are after-school programs they would enjoy at school or church to keep them occupied until you get home. Perhaps a friend or relative could stop by when you know the kids will be coming home and can mediate issues if they arise. Perhaps they could stay with friends or relatives after school. Or maybe you can bring an aide into your home during the hours you can't be there to supervise. Maybe you can arrange different hours to work away from the house, so you can be there to manage or prevent confrontations.
- Ask for help. Your close friends will never understand your situation if they don't spend time around your family. Ask them for help with household or yard tasks. Perhaps they could take your wife grocery shopping or pick up the kids after school. Until people have been exposed to brain injury they do not understand how difficult living with a brain-injured person can be. And if they understand, they can offer more support, a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk to. You need to have a support system now. Some of them will never understand, but the ones who do will be allies for the whole family.
- Watch for patterns. Are there certain issues or behaviors that seem to set off the tantrums? Do they happen mostly when your wife is tired? Are there things the kids do over and over that set off mom's anger? If you see patterns, you can possibly manage those issues or confront them differently to prevent the tantrums.
- Work on your own resentment. If possible, join a support group. The other members can offer you understanding, support and new ideas. If you can lessen the chaos through counseling and behavior management, your resentment may begin to subside as well. Then you can be less emotional about what needs to be dealt with in your relationship with your wife. Try not to hold grudges. Try to remember that brain injury is the culprit and your wife may be completely unaware of the affect her outbursts have on the family. Hopefully, she will get better with time too.
- Last resort. Sometimes brain injury destroys families. If I'm reading between the lines correctly, you want to save your family relationships and hold the family together. I hope you can. Separation from their mom—even if they are afraid of her—will be difficult for the children as well. But their safety and a welcoming environment is most important. If you leave her, you will no doubt feel guilty for a long time and others will judge you harshly They won't understand. But there are some cases where a separation is the only solution. Make that decision while you are NOT angry and with knowledge of the consequences on all members of your family. I wish you the very best of luck in solving this crisis.
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